Life Lived

These two crazy teens are a part of the reason I keep going every day. My son Max's Girl and Best Friend. They are my world and happiness. They have learned to be happy in all things no matter what and to stick by their friends. They are going to need them in this life.

My energy is fading today, after a mental roller coaster. One of my other (adopted by our family) daughters is living in an abusive household and her mom wont allow her (Bear) to call us because she tells me and Maddy Snotface (Best Friend and my True Daughter) of the true horrors. But after a long battle Bear will now go live with her Father. Its strange, Maddy is by our choice staying with her dad for school. Now Bear. Maddy is gone from here because we love her and want the best, Bear's mom shoves only bitter hate and now Bear has to leave she feels or she may explode. Yes its a long story, but the end is nearing.

As long as this child is no longer in an abusive situation I feel happy about it. So does everyone else who has stood by this girl. It is amazing what love can do. If only her mom would see that and realize you do not have to live angry and punish your child for being normal, well, maybe it would have been worth staying. Bear has tried everything, and seriously there is only so much she can take. Especially when the school counselor agrees with Bear that she needs to be away from her situation. Abuse comes in many forms. Controlling someone else with your own actions is wrong. It's emotional black mail is what its called to me. And now since the relationship with her mom is back to physical abuse, she needs to leave before someone gets hurt.

To take a child and turn them to hate is a horrible thing. It causes more damage to our society. I will always believe in discipline but it can be done in love. There is always a way if you look.

Just spouting off my day. I love my children so much I hate to think if I ever was unable to be unforgiven for when I was unfair to them. I am sure I am guilty of changing rules but torture is something I am well versed in having it bestowed upon my own flesh and mind and spirit. I could never hate or stop loving such a beautiful gift as are my Max and Mad. Parents need to love again and stop being afraid to make mistakes and we all need to learn forgiveness. Sounds preachy, but its not about religion, its about doing the right thing. Bear will be fine in her new school and finally a home.

Back to painting. Still having fun detoxing from Effexor... still crazy. Still alive.

Tired Of Hiding

Nothing has been going right for the last two weeks. I understand detoxing can be difficult and all the advice has been appreciated greatly. And detoxing for me is going slow for some stupid reason. Normally I am very impatient and this should be cut and dried in my mind. Stop taking the damn pills and not suffer terrible side effects. At least I am not drooling.

But I am tired of hiding behind pain. I want to be happy and paint and enjoy life, but something is always getting in the way. Crap keeps getting flung at me and I am not tolerating this any longer. I say I wont stand behind the wall, but I will run out and fling some crap back if needed. Of course, I always try all things with love first, but righteous anger has its moments.

The million dollar Cancer question is being held up by procrastination. I do not want to know the answer either way. It will come back some how and haunt me for life. It does not matter how, but it will. One way or another, I am going to die from this flesh. Of course I prefer later in my life, therefore I will have the tests done. And if they tell me I am fine so much the better. That is the answer I am seeking. So lets not worry about that any longer. I will know soon enough but while I am still alive, I want to make a difference in other lives.

So how am I hiding? Pain in my body. Pain in my heart. Pain in my soul. Pain in my mind. Each wound has to be healed, including physical sickness. So it looks like a mess my life is facing, but I am going to walk on through and towards finding my own cure. For everything. Even if it means having to see a Shrink or a Doctor or even some Shaman.

As for Docman Shrink, I have to trust him. And for the last two weeks I missed my appointments. I of course feel guilty as hell, because someone else could have used my time. And of course Husbandman is angry with me. But I am so whacked on these pills, I passed out again and did not wake til after dark. It is not an excuse, just the truth. And I am sorry it happened but I can not change the past only my future. I need more discipline somehow, but I have no idea where it can come from at the moment.

Not being able to drive has its merits of course, but then I am bothering everyone for a ride and it makes me feel less human in some ways. I offer gas money but it is not the point really. It is the fact I know it is best I not drive. So much conflict. One side peace one side hell. Ah yes, more guilt. I hate being a burden on any one. But now I am not able to work. But why complain? Many people would trade spots - or would they? Envy is a fickle friend.

Does being crazy mean I could not handle life any longer? Too much flung crap at me over the years and I finally broke down and fell? But it over whelms me when a friend shows up and helps me back up again. Thanks everyone for helping me. Maybe I can return the favor some day.

It has been a long few weeks. I intend to start talking about my miracles that happen here daily. My teenagers are finding friends and love and happiness. But a few are suffering at the hands of bitter mean people who think happiness is not a good thing. This is heavy on my heart. Our teens of today. Parents have got to stop abusing their children for their own misery and sins. But that topic is for another day.

Come on life, fling some more crap at me, I am ready and armed...

There Is No Balance

The room I use to create has become once again altered. Charlie came home to me painting, automatically assuming something was wrong with me today. He was right in so many ways. When things become blue for me, I paint. Why? Because it makes me feel loved when I create. It is interesting that I painted a veil over my self portrait, but I did cover the universe with stars.

In fact, somehow I tend to paint more when I think of my Father. He loved to create with colors. And all he stood for was freedom. All he wanted was freedom to love. What he has given me was a hard road to understanding. But now I know. The magic could never be stolen from me. And to protect me he had to leave. In so many ways the same as my daughter and me. To protect her, she had to leave me.

The big difference is I wont back down and run from my child. If she needs me, she will always have me. This is true for all my teenagers that are friends with my children. They know I am here for them. Maybe that is why I am so angry at my Father right now. Where was he when I needed him? How can you walk out and leave your child? But then again, it was to protect me from something else. That is the Million Dollar Mystery. Why can I not remember right now?

Rotten Day

It seems today was a horrible day. I am happy but nothing went right. Can that even make any sense. Of course I am not pleased with myself, I slept finally for a solid 9 hours but the problem was when I slept. I managed to wake up at 4 PM to confusion. When my day gets off like this, I feel so much anxiety, but for some reason again, I am happy. Probably the medications making my moods all whacked out, or it is just me. And I normally have not been missing my appointments with Docman, but I did and it has me pretty upset. I feel stupid again. I just can not get my body to cooperate with my brain. Do you think your memory lapses during anxiety attacks? I certainly know I can not focus easily today. So I will sign off. Wednesday will be better.

In My Tunnel

Hard times come to see what we will do. Again, another monster knocks on my door. Several, but only I can even digest so many nightmares at one time.

Right now I suppose the largest obstacle I have is the threat of some foreign enemy invading my body known as Cancer. No it is not something I want to talk about facing. And I hope pre-diagnostics are wrong, for my family and for my friends and for me. However, Pet is right. We should share our souls to encourage others there is a healing. From whatever source you call it, God, Jesus, Buddah, or even Self Preservation. To me right now all are the same. We are all made of the same blood no matter what we believe.

And we all suffer pain, destruction of our bodies and minds and harassment from intruders who only want to control your life. Happiness is fought tooth and nail in society. Everyone is so afraid to stand up and say they have any kind of emotions lest we be accused of insanity. Just look at advertising today. It is demoralizing and the more you collapse to bended knees for sickness or threats, the more negative you have in your life to cause more sickness. The only thing that will heal me now is love.

No matter what any doctor says to me, it can not hurt me any longer. I have suffered on my own hell for years. Cancer. Mental Issues. An Extra Toe Growth. No matter what it is, I will survive until I decide it is time for me to leave this Earth. So when the results come in, I have prepared myself for the worst and the best news. I have made up my mind I will be in control of my body and what I allow in it.

And because I love my friends and family, I will do whatever it takes to stay alive and continue to love and watch happiness and freedom grow around me. It is not humiliation to admit I have these tests for Cancer. I want to know. I did nothing wrong as the medical world would like me to think. I smoked and I drank plenty of liquor in my time. I choose now for many reasons not to drink again in this life. For a while now. But to blame anything other than Cancer for cancer is stupid. It is not racist. It does not care whether you come from Asia or Canada or if you are speaking a dying language or the universal English. Cancer does not care how much money you have or if you drive a blue car or a green truck.

It picks you and attacks. This is what I face if I leave this world to bodily death. I leave behind many people who I love and some how they must be impressed upon I will always be here in my spirit with each of them. In the still voices of the night, my daughters and sons and brothers and sisters, everyone who I call friend, will know they have love eternal from me.

My husband, the one man who would marry a broken and busted up crazy lady, is the hero of my heart. A gentle soul who deserves more happiness than I can give him, and so I direct you back to your family. The ones who have roots. Whatever it takes to see you smile. And to your new family forming here in our home. Not our house, but our home. I hope where you look around should I have to leave, you see the love I have for you in what I master now on earth. The silly lamps and the obsessive tile projects.

Thank you to everyone who has read my words of pain and shared their own private moment remembering with me life is a journey. Our roads are all different but if we meet on the cross paths, love is the language I speak. You have my soul, and my tears. We all share one thing in common. Facing death does hold a need to reinspect your life and make the important matter again.

With each day, the silent ones, a new feared was faced concerning cancer. I looked up the symptoms of every location from brain down to my toes. I scared the fear out of me. Now it does not matter where it is, but the way to remove it from my body. And the solid fact remains it may not show up at all. In that case I am still going to live each day as if the last were near and find happiness somehow each day in three things. And to make sure everyone still knows I love them even if I live 100 years.

So as for the outcome, I find that Cancer can threaten, but it can never take my spirit. It can creep up or speed up, either way it wont beat me. It can lurk for years but my peace is made. It is not an easy peace to hang on too, but I will do my best to be honest about my good moments and my bad. Here on this journal I will face my fears, but not alone.

The one fear I have is whether I am going to survive detoxing from now two pills and beginning another round of trial and error. My body needs a break but my mind needs to work right. Sometimes I hope I heard Docman wrong. But other times, I often wonder if dying is not the best thing since my mind does not cooperate with the rest of me. I feel like I am dreaming while I am awake most days.

There are so many thoughts lately crammed in my head I want it all to disappear and go away. Lately I have found soaking in a hot bath with some oil and salts works a new wonder on the pain in my body and mind. In fact, my lifestyle was already changing as if to prepare for a period of one last nightmare. Happiness is my final destination in my mind. Just to be happy and love one another. Stop fighting and stop competing and no more wars. In the homes of families and on our streets, the war of evil over powering love has got to stop.

A minor set back in my journal writings, but I had to go back to my chalice well and wash away hate and anger for a while. It is so easy to be mad but it does take time to find your happiness. Patience and trust will land you on the road to love. Remove all negativity in your world and enjoy the wonders around you. Please. Life is too short.

Buzz And Shock

Detoxing on whatever day yesterday was, well, it did not go so well. I could not make it another 48 hours between Effexor dosages. But when I take the medication I go into a brain frenzy of anxiety attacks. And when I do not take them, I manage to become electric and have currents and bolts zapping my body and brain. So which is worse? On or off this monster pill? I think I may die before I succeed just from exhaustion. Trying to figure out what I am supposed to feel makes me sleepy. And happiness makes me clean and eat more. So am I like some freak who has split personalities but they all know each other? This is not right.

New Years Fires

The midnight hour rang in with a blazing fire behind my workshop and teenage hangout in the neighbors yard. It was extremely and uncomfortably close and forcing its way to combustible yard items. And no idea what was in the shed of the neighbor. Anything that could have blown up easily.

You would have assumed it was one of my teens who were here hanging with everyone, but it was not their responsibility. The "wife beating" neighbor near behind was shooting off explosives that spark fear in the hearts of children and men alike. His mistake created a unity in this house I could never have imagined.

Nolon found the fire and after coming to tell me about it, everyone roused to take part in grabbing buckets, hoses and shovels to place the fire under some control. Flames were over Forty feet high, and closing in on their pant legs. Corey, my adoptee, jump in with Nolon, our own Doctor No, and saved the day. Seriously saved the house.

Everyone worked together, and remained calm. The 911 Operator was trying to tell me to stay calm and I wanted to laugh and tell her, "I am not uncalm, I am running to save my house lady!". She was great and had all the information in seconds and units were on the way.

Arriving first was the Ambulance and Paramedic Units, and I can not tell you if they thought I was having a heart attack or not, but by that time, it was needed. We managed to get the blaze under control when the big beautiful Fire Patrol Trucks showed with their sirens.

The men, who were troubled to come to the house, just in case a true disaster was on the way, were pleased with the work of my teens. Fantastic job they managed to create together. A Unity that I need in my mind. One day, I only can hope they remember how they pulled together to save my home. Our home. I so dearly love my children, by birth and those not my own in flesh but in spirit.

But mostly how they came together and learned of power of friends and love. And as for my shrink, this one was not my fault! As for my husband, now that your heart is beating normal from the terror I screamed at you while asleep, I love your calming ability. You are wonderful. Even though I told you if we went to Georgia some terrible "thing" would happen in Mobile. And for everyone, Happy Blessed New Year. It is certainly going to be interesting. Oh Snotface, you are my elf.